THE WEATHERMAN WHO’S RUINING MY LIFE

About five years ago, I tried to register a domain name, davemalkoff.com. The trouble was, it was already registered to a guy who happened to have the same name. He was no ordinary people. He was a weatherman. He was working at a network affiliate in Las Vegas and used the website to chronicle his weather-related achievements.

I wasn’t happy about this. In the back of my mind, I thought this could have extremely negative consequences. If this weatherman with my name went national and became the next Al Roker, my life would be over. Friends would tease me to give them a barometer reading or what the chance of precipitation is going to be tomorrow. When I introduce myself, people’s first reaction would be so day, “Oh, like the weatherman” and then snicker at me. For this reason, I hoped that his career would go down the shitter. I know this is bad karma, but I have to look out for Dave Malkoff number one.

The next time I heard about this guy was from my mom. Her friends had been watching hurricane coverage and said thought they saw me covering the story. It turns out the weatherman Dave Malkoff had moved on to Miami and whenever there was a hurricane, his stories were carried across the country. My mother explained to her friends that it wasn’t me, but another guy with the same name, who happened to slightly resemble me. (FYI, her friend’s are still not convinced).

This new revelation was unfortunate, but I thought there was a chance that while he was giving a report in the middle of a storm, there was a chance a piece of debris could strike him. Please note, I did not want him dead, only permanently incapacitated.

And then, this weekend, it happened. I got a text message from a friend who said the weatherman me was just joined a Los Angeles news team. I went online, and sure enough, he’s on the CBS affiliate here. My heart sank. This is the worst thing that has ever happened to anyone.

I thank God that no one under 60 watches local news. But LA is market #2 behind NYC and a national gig could be around the corner. I have to stop him as soon as possible. Since we have the same name, I’ve been thinking about trying to steal his identity and wipe him out financially, but it seems like a lot of work. Please let me know if you have any ideas.