The War on Mayo

There is no condiment as sinister as mayonnaise.

A mere spoonful spreads like the gunk from a backed-up toilet, soaking through the vast underbelly of the spongy bread. It's presence is omnipotent. It's taste dreadful. It's power derives from the act of instantly ruining a sandwich.

At what point did it become commonplace to put mayo on a sandwich? Further, at what point did the application of such spread become a requirement to the "yummy sandwich," so as not to be included on the menu listing all the requirements of certain said sandwich? Or even if specifically requested not to be present, the sandwich craftsman most often spreads it anyway. Obviously these folks feel not a hint of fear in doing so. "Who will argue against mayo?" they wonder, "And if they do, I have the world at my side."

And how did this happen? When did the pro-mayo lobby win-out against the anti-mayo contingent, a.k.a. the sandwich traditionalists?

Consider this: An alien lands on Earth in the United States fifty years from now. This particular alien loves to smoke cigarettes and hears Earth has a most interesting climate for producing tobacco. Now fifty years from now it is not unreasonable to believe smoking will be banned just about everywhere save for a few underground saloons. Now this alien, while walking about, learns that he cannot smoke in this section of Earth, but that

• a. he's welcome to navigate to less-evolved parts of the world where people still have fun, or
• b. he's welcome to purchase some tobacco to sell and eventually kill his fellow aliens.

Who knows.

My point is I know specifically the moment in time when a majority of the populace decided, "We're done with smoking." That time of course is now. Some civil libertarians are up in arms over the matter, but the lawmakers passed a law that people agreed with and so it is. And frankly, I don't mind the status quo, it's nice not having to bring a bottle of contact solution to the bars at night.

In other words, I get it. As much as I cringe when government starts dictating what people can and can't do, and where they can or can't do it. I can respect a law that everyone respects.

So when did the tide turn in the application of mayo as a standard to all sandwiches? If there wasn't a moment like the ban on smoking, then other forces must be at play. One might follow the thinking of conspiracy theorists, who surmise that perhaps a global corporation lobbied deli markets into embracing their product? Perhaps.

Of course the glaring alternative is that a majority of people actually like this stuff. This is a status quo I cannot live with.